Hej (unredacted) — keinsell

I’ve had an episode through my life in which I have been curious about the world, an world which was not the one of which they been saying out in school, home or maybe even in places between people. Never had a problem to find a common ground when interacting with people and could always understand people come from a different corners and I could never understand why people pointed me out for choosing life which been mine as me.

When I have been going out to school I’ve never really been there, as every class been just scribbling down in my notebook with a wander what I could possibly do the moment I will be back at home and allow myself to sink my mind into other world. I’ve hardly been breaking any rules when been in a school and never cared about skipping down on classes.

All I rememeber from an chapter in school is either a bully (even through you people disappeared) and maybe a female who have been a friend of mine friend from these times which happened to be mine secret crush (ever through I didn’t feel like opening a conversation for being rejected, you been perfect in my imagination). Maybe a flashes of moments where I have been laughed at for forgetting about my hygiene, being overly clumsy, not wearing expensive pieces of clothes or crying somewhere to the wall.

Never really had a place where I could feel safe to say how’s life been even if I wanted.

I’ve always lived within myself and rarely had even a situation to “learn” “communication” with people around me, as the only person who would understand me was me - I’ve thought about being online and been saying saying out some opinions out loud althrough some comment saying “nobody cares about this” have somewhat stopped me from such.

I’ve been around 15 years old or so when this have happened.

My dad been always beyond home in a foregin country and when she been at home I have been scared of him. I appreciate they been doing everything they possibly could for me (and my brother) to have own room rather than share a single one, or even to have a console or own computer with internet access. I didn’t remembered mom at the moment.

I’ve always hated a moment when my phone was ringing before the sunset.

Never been optimistic to hear discussions about my grades which performed worse than other collegures from school and after all I always been scared of a moment parents come out of school meeting about students because this could mean I could not have an access to my computer, internet or a console for a prolonged period of time. I have always heard someone from class have performed better from me and I could do better.

I could never make sense of why I was treated like I would be any worse.

I’ve could not play computer games which everybody at school been playing and talked about as they seemed to me overly dull, even through at some period of time I’ve at least tried to play them before I’ve jumped into judgement. I didn’t understand why playing a different game was a valid reason to make fun of people either, it’s just a game after all.

I’ve had a thousends of hours spend on Minecraft (which I saw my cousin played) and World of Warcraft (to which friend of my dad have invited me to play). I never really been reading out a (a lot of) lore and been enjoying a guideance of older players and been beaten and blamed by them. I’ve liked to understand a rules of the game I play.

I’ve designed and built my own house in a wonderful landscape in overworld, and even through it wasn’t as beautyful as other houses which I have saw somewhere of internet it was mine in my world a world which I have decided to open somewhere for a person who would like to join me and explore greatness of world generator together.

Games tended to invite me into themselves, invite me into a place of virtual (if not real) world ruled by a understandable mechanics, and a purpose to use them. I’ve had a dedicated notebook with me for what I could do inside them and how I seen them.

Games could have a additional overlay or replaceable parts which allowed people to customize our experience or extend original content beyond vision of game’s creator, some of them were rememberable simply by adding overlay on original experience of a game.

I’ve never been fan of physicial excercise classes and would rather spent time sitting down on a bench and write down homework which I didn’t do at home or simply take a rest. I’ve once got my head hitten with a volleyball and music teacher who been on a class coverage called my mom to take me home. I never wanted to play a basketball because I was always afraid to twist my finger and this would make using computer mouse harder.

I’ve been always admitting when I been cheating and never admited to cheat when I didn’t.

I’ve once asked by youngest brother to open a single CS:GO case for me (for which I do sorry) which I bought with pocket money for sandwiches and have looted a rare drop worth around 300$ which been a whole a lot of money. I’ve felt weird when people in school been asking me to buy something for them even through we never talked before, while some of them been laughing a days before when I’ve told I’ll open a case and it will be a knife.

I’ve been sad I’ve never saw a PayPal transfer after I’ve accepted a trade on Steam.

YouTube been a place where a lot of nicknames been appearing and a lot of people there been saying words while playing a game which been more visually appealing than one I could (or couldn’t) play on my own device. I rarely been listening to a whole, only to what I needed and when I have tried to make my own content I’ve been putting there scrapes of other people’s materials and preferably those were people who I liked.

I miss a video which had contained my voiceover even through it was just three minutes. I (don’t) miss a Windows Movie Maker where I montaged WoW gameplay in 3 FPS.

I could miss a time where I couldn’t decide what would be a perfect into to mine content even through I didn’t minded to record more content before introduction, I’ve could never tell what about could been my channel and what would be uploaded to it and I’ve ended up uploading multiple various versions of intros with placeholder names on them, silly.

I’ve helped my brother montage and publish public diss on a girl who posted him on Snapchat without his permission and a half of school wanted to beat us because feeling of innocent girl were hurt (and the half of this half been encouraging him to diss her). I’ve found a whole situation pathetic and he shouldn’t ever sorry her.

I’ve once been on a video with a (already dead) person who wanted to play with me and I made him look bad in montage and I would love to say sorry for him but it’s now too late - and maybe helping your mom when she needed it been all I could do. We have been blowing up pots with firecrackers and riding a bike together at time, hope you do well.

I’ve been laughing at memes my brother have been making in a photo editing software.

I’ve heard collegues which have calling me out being emotionally unstable when I’ve hit a person who been iritating me and his mother been friend of a school’s principal. It’s been said it’s all been because of time I’ve spent playing computer games.

I’ve never liked out a pickles and tomatoes in a salad. I’ve once been bribed to taste a strawberry. I’ve rarely had a choice what I would like to eat what I want even through I rarely been even hungry. I’ve liked to have cacao with milk (and sugar) on breakfast.

I’ve used PaySafeCard, SMS and pocket money to obtain necessarities which happened to be candies, snacks, energy drinks and cloud expenses, even through VPN through Hamachi could be just enough starter without requirement of prior payment to use service.

I’ve been carelessly visiting internet forums where I didn’t understood every word being said even when I could theoretically solve problem with which I been struggling and would rather solve one than accept possibility than one couldn’t be ever solved. I’ve avoided almost every situation which have required a programming and only have seen XML.

I’ve didn’t listen parents when they have said to choose high school with a profile associated with computers rather than listening to collegues which have told me uniformed school with a boarding facility would a “fun experience” and I was afraid it could not be.

I’ve rather not really worried I will not see anyone from school.

I’ve been at a first day of a school year in my high school where I didn’t knew anybody beside a numeral amount of people who have come there with me and have showed me a place around which been overall looking “as a school” and been “nothing special”.

When I’ve stepped into a obsure room where I’ve been supposed to reside which been on a 1st flat of a building I’ve saw a duo-tone coloring of the walls, greenish sheers covering a window with a view on a parking and furnitures which been three beds and one horizontally-sliced container placed next to a wall in the room where each slice had a upper box (assumably for consumables), longer box (incl. warederobe rail) and a lower box of the same size as upper (assumably for shoes). Above each bed been a self (a multiply times cursed as motherfucking one by hits my head took from her) and cork bulletin board.

In a high school there was a rutting period to which we been actively perpared as this been some kind of tradition in school and even through I’ve been participating (I would rather not to if this would be even a possibility) during a multiple trial atempts for a presentation students were teached how to march, a sayings used in school and probably something else which were not importnat enough to me to remember or pay attention.

I’ve never had a problem with authroities and never ever tried to break a law, and in most potential possibilities breaking a law seemed like a unnecessary trouble. It’s been a peaceful life when everything have been in a facade of order.

I’ve noticed a lot of inconviences during a rutting period, as when you march I understood a sound you make when you march is supposed to be presentative and nobody ever walk like this in normal environment. I’ve understood we been supposed to wear a suit only for presentative purposes and look good on photos used for a school promotion. I’ve accepted it’s just a one day for a hundered therefore not giving been a simply more efficient solution.

I’ve always used to wear a sweatpants when I’ve had a PE classes on a specific day, simply because I didn’t needed to change my clothes and avoid bad grade by not having a spare clothes and I’ve always excercised in a way to not sweat too much to have energy.

I’ve began to hate clothing restrictions and dresscode as my “default” clothes included a jeans (sometimes sweatpants or shorter pants in summer) and a t-shirt which would be preferably monotone colour with a longer slim fit, oval size of a neck and being made out of a cotton to be pleasant to be worn on my skin. On a school’s teritory we been supposed to have a forest camoflage-like clothing and greenish t-shirt with logo of a school.

I’ve resided in a room which have got a reasonably remarkable popularity among the others by one of collegue which I’ve always endorsed for a ability to respond when been called out and being socialable enough to make a friends everywhere he could go.

[…]

I’ve liked a soothing moments when I’ve been coming back into my family’s house and could lie down on my bed and take a moment of rest in my own company which usually took me around a day and half of a sleep and I have didn’t liked moments when I have been supposed to leave room of mine in favor of one’s inside school’s housing facility.

I’ve always enjoyed and been unsiadly liked by religious and ethics teachers I think because I could touch a topic nobody “sane” would ever talk about like a (lack of) belief in God, questioning a motive of a religiion and mention people which nobody would mention.

I’ve once lied on a bed at night when I’ve experienced unexpected moment of a touch inside my body or rather something sliding inside or maybe out which been associated with a undeniable urge to cry. I’ve been before I was 17 years old (I guess).

I’ve been aware my choice with school which haven’t been connected to me has been somewhat wrong and had a thoughts that even when I couldn’t possibly change it, there always been a space to do something on my own and I’ve been doing it already before.

I’ve been invited to one of mine’s first-ever parties and it’s been a party in name of 17th birthday of a collegue with whom I’ve shared a room in which I’ve been lived, and as life goes it’s been probably one of first times when I’ve got myself somewhat drunk. It’s a longer story with a backing in conviction I will never do any drugs.

I’ve didn’t noticed when yerba mate happened to be in my room with a bunch of other supplementation which I’ve been taking out in order to get myself to the school. I do remember I would rather quielty stay up when everyone been sleeping around.

I do remember I’ve obsessively sticked my mind into ProductHunt and been browing up a products which have catched up my eye and I’ve opened social media accounts across many lesser known platforms like a Reddit. I don’t remember how I got myself into cryptocurrency, blockchain and communities deeply connected with technology.

I don’t remember HOW I assembled a team for a algorithmic trading engine which been developed as open-source just as I don’t remember how I happened to get a client who have asked me to design their whitepaper for cryptocurrency ICO. It just happened.

I’ve remember I’ve been arguing with MLM marketers along in cryptocurrency communities and communities where I’ve had a moderation permissions or administrative ones and have been usually kicking them down for promoting a ponzi schemes which annoyed me in a cryptocurrency scene - especially when cryptocurrency been before any adoption.

I’ve remember a conversation with a person who have said to me they were building a algorithmic trading system and they would love to have a person like me in their company and they have had a person who been contributing to Rust programming language, they have wanted me to go to Warsaw and I’ve been afraid to speak with my parents about it therefore I’ve said I will do my own one which been reasonably stupid.

I’ve been listening out to people who been saying a words which somewhat encouraged me there’s nothing to ever lose and eventually it never hurts down to at least try, and I’ve not been afraid to message people on LinkedIn when I’ve wanted to ask about something.

I’ve been on a lesson of a enterpreniurship where teacher been saying a start-up things and she thought I’ve been copying someones homework when I’ve been writing in my notebook and I’ve felt a little shy when she flipped it horizontally where there was a only one horizontal drawing and it was a unit of a neural network.

I’ve heard names of people which have been impressing me with what they have been doing and I’ve found a authority and maybe clue to not be afraid and despite everyone around I’ve found a spark of hope for a having a life which would be worth living in.

I’ve been introduced to electronic vapes and been around a community where people been cloud chasing and our room had a thinkest fog from all of them as jellyfishes been flying.

I’ve been invited to come over to Netherlands with my dad for a demolishing and interior finishing which been a place where I’ve been working 10hrs per day and 6 days per week for 10 EUR per hour which allowed to buy myself a laptop and clothes I’ve wanted. I’ve had a opportunity to smoke a weed for a first time in my life (if not a second) and had a visually intense experience overflowed with colors and have felt calm and a bit insecure.

I’ve been invited to a prom by a friend of a friend on a 3rd year of a school and even through she have seen me as somewhat as person who knew life I have changed a school before prom ever happened. I’ve kept in connection with this particular friend for a while.

I’ve been at the parter which been reserved for female room’s when one day there were people visiting us from other country and have endorsed interior design some girls had which been overall warmer in colors than ones we had upstairs. I’ve always had a quirk for a fairy lights with a warm (yellowish) tone and lower brightness.

I’ve changed a school into a one of a technological profile on a 3rd year which required me to run through material which been teached out for a past three years related for information technology and I’ve kept a contact to people I’ve met in a previous one.

I’ve head I will change school again because there was a somebody who have come from same school as I did and she couldn’t handle it all. I’ve didn’t noticed when everyone on the classes where basics of programming been teached out everyone have acted like they would see a presented information for the first time in their life (Wink).

On mine third day I’ve head a group of people been speaking out about Warframe and I’ve decided to start a conversation with “Warframe?” and we catched up a contact and could talk beside a school along the game which been in background.

I’ve been speaking out my thoughts without prejudgement and been often told by teachers I should bite my tounge because some younger stundents and I’ve become known school-wide in a relatively short period of time (maybe because tests which I missed).

I’ve always had a problem with computation in my head therefore mathematics been always a problem to me and I’ve barely passed out maybe because COVID-19 have changed a last year of schooling system where everything been remote and everything always have happened to me easier when I could be at place where I feel comfortable and safe.

I’ve could acomplish a web-related projects from a freelance-like sites or by world of mouth with a people I’ve met in a school while being a client-facing lead and a technical person who always could code as well or rather glue what client wanted with code.

I couldn’t earn enough to feel safe and live off programming therefore I’ve decided to continue a interior finishing gigs and in meanwhile gain a little more of programming knowledge which could help me find a internship at full-time and I would be happy.

I’ve had a wonderful time with my girlfriend.

I’ve been seeking a employment in a position related with back-end development through around two to three years and it’s not been as lucky for me as life happened to be before. As about hundrets of applications gone some invited me to have a laugh on interview.

I’ve attened interview where a senior have noticed a “web3” keyword in my StackOverflow-generated CV in which he been geniely interested. It’s been a single stage interview where we have had a conversation about me, company and a project where I’ve been offered a (A PAID!) employment for three months for 3 500 PLN per month which made me feel like a life finally have winked down me in a positive direction as I could do what I wanted to do.

I’ve been participating in a development process from a back-end side on a various software products which were closly related to a financial software. I’ve remember a ICO Investment Platform and Investor Relationship (alike) features, a project where QR codes on a physical prints of a magazine (or paper something) could grant you a NFT and a e-commerce platform which operated as customer to customer and business to customer which been contained from a storefront, back-end and (if I remember right) backoffice.

I’ve been excited to experiment with developer tools and developer experience. I’ve been iritated when there was no guide to setup a local repository. I’ve been safe when I could depend on a software protecting me from my own stupidity.

I’ve been formally an intern, I’ve never really knew what intern is supposed to do therefore I have been happy when I’ve been left alone with a tasks and could just be trying to solve them on my own. I might’ve not always been asking a right questions but I’ve had on mind that asking a accurate and realtively correct questions bring you back to independece.

I might’ve been annoying to a senior or a mid which have been assinged to same project where I’ve happened to be and never seen a negativity in their responses because if they have said anything it’s been about a code and code is just what I wrote not reflection of me.

I’ve had a little of a “dark traits” in a mine personlity which I’ve been geniuely trying to avoid to trigger and been trying to understand myself a little better to be “human”. I’ve understood not everybody might be as arrogant as I’ve been and it have geniely required quite a lot of time to be a little more aware of own emotions and feelings to avoid harm.

I’ve liked to play with features of a programming language and TypeScript been a way more convinient programming language than a JavaScript to me, I could distinguish one from another and grasp in my own language benefits of using one over another. I don’t know if I should ever be interested in a programming language but I thought I could say I could express down a flow of a program but couldn’t architecture code in good structure.

I’ve never been convinced a proficiency is built with passage of time, rather been convinced the more problems you could possibly approach and solve the possibly more proficient you could get in what you have solved. I’ve had a uncertainity with a feedback loop as I didn’t read a books about programming in a free time and been rather trying to solve everything on my own (which been briliant and stupid at same time).

I’ve begun to notice a “patterns” along a codebase and software system in general, a patterns which could be separation of one component from another and having a “buttons” that click each other from component to component. I’ve thought maybe too much in a analogies to everyday life which helped me understand what I could possibly be doing.

I’ve had a company-wide peresentation where I’ve been publicly speaking on a forum of a company in a English language (which been a little stressful) which been all about gaming industry and blockchain industry and why these two could work well together and eventually why there should be never a “blockchain hame” and rather should be just a game and if it would ever use blockchain under the hood everyone would be happy (if such would be a good game). I’ve did my own reasearch, had some statistic to back me up etc.

I’ve been preferably depending up on a framework (Loopback 4 or a Nest.js) which have been a layer of abstraction on which I’ve been depending in order to save implementation in common patterns (of which I’ve might not been complely aware of). I’ve been learning out about features of a framework from a documentation and been trying to visualize myself them with drawing how they work on a paper or simply reading if I knew enough.

I’ve been trying to keep up with a newbies in a software industry (not literally), and when I’ve noticed a shiny thing I’ve sometimes had a sense I could use it and at least check if one would be okaish to be used somewhere. I do remember Prisma been one of those thingies which been somewhat incomplete (or unstable?) at 1.0 but when 2.0 have come out it’s been simply and undeniably better than TypeORM (or any other decorator-based ORM).

I’ve couldn’t accept that someone could have simply other opinion, I’ve thought people’s opinions might be simply based because they have familiarity with one thing which somewhat solves down a problem they are used to and don’t need “better”.

I’ve never knew how I could ever prove one is better than another, even when both are right.

I’ve should not begun (prematurely) reading up about software architecture which could significiantly affect my thought process and mental model about software development which would eventually result in a impostor syndrome and simply inability to “do right”.

I’ve begun to slowly notice a hidden patterns inside a codebase and see why code been modeled way it have been modeled and what been the thought process behind (which made me undeniably insane). I’ve thought of conviction of this patterns are somewhat implemeted “too literally” inside a codebase, it’s been sad I’ve been unsure of this.

I’ve never understood everything and maybe I’ve been missing a clue that nobody have ever understood everything and I’ve always had a feeling with me which been oscilating between people know perfectly what they are doing and it’s me who don’t and it’s me who’s right and everybody else have been wrong. It’s been hard be in a balance.

I’ve been always too much of a eager when it have come down to either work, life and relationships however at the same time I’ve always been able to dream, wonder and what mattered the most to me plan a lot. I’ve had a insane pressure (if not obsession) with time and what’s been the best use of such for myself by lenses of outcomes and I liked it.

I’ve happened to be recognized by CTO when a something been done right and been done wrong which always had it’s own brick in coordinating a direction in which I’ve wanted to learn and practice without much of a babysitting from CTO (or Lead) by himself.

I’ve never been afraid of overloading mysellf with tasks, and always been trying to commening my status on them inside a issue tracker in case someone would be interested how’s one is going on with what I’ve historically struggled and a little of mine thought process which been between what been stated as requirement and what been implemented.

I’ve didn’t really liked to socialize and honestly have been mostly rejecting out an invitations to a company-wide parties as I’ve could stay in home with computer and don’t really feel like I’ve been missing out on anything and what people called “work” been a “fun” to me.

I’ve been annoyed when there have not been enough noise in a project-related internet communication software as I’ve thought even the smallest slices of information about the project could contributed to shared knowledge about the project (sync doesn’t matter).

I would like to not pretend it’s been not about money and more about my headspace, through a year of a work and tax discounts which have ended up I’ve ended up with a monthly revenue of 1 600 PLN which been not really liked down by my parents which pushed me towards a somewhat medial leave after resigning from a company.

I’ve been greeted with proposition to stay and reveue increase to around 6 000 PLN while I’ve been convinced a moment of a longer break would be good for my health and I could figure out more or less of my struggles and worries which I’ve been facing down at a time.

I’ve never wanted (and try to avoid) blaming anyone for problem I’ve geniely had with myself and could never feel like I could ever find a help somewhere. I’ve decided to contact professional person towards which I could say how I feel and he could help me down.

I’ve beed on SSRIs for less than two weeks when I’ve been meeting with a cute e-girl which have been invited to mine Discord by mine friend and we have been talking a lot about life and I’ve been completly clueless she might have been feeling to me (at least that’s why she’s female friend have said out to me). I could been a relatively happy relationship if I could be a little more emotionally intelligent (or rather be more distant in that case).

I’ve cried when we separted after a moments which we have been together.

I’ve had opportunity to travel for a while and see a world outside a Poland, along with people which I’ve meet somewhere in a high school. I’ve had opportunity to let myself be loose for a moment play a computer games or do some hobbistic programming.

I’ve happened to have a psychedelic experience on a DMT which involved lanscape of a rolleycoaster and a lot of three-dimmensional shapes which been an a cool recreational ride which pleased me with simply an abstract art. It’s been an OOBE which I’ve remembered (where “remember” is most important word there).

When I’ve been not programming I’ve been usually browing down nad curating (by bookmarking) a places on the internet which have caught mine attention or have had something interesting which I’ve not necessairly wanted to read at moment I’ve saw it.

It’s been relatively rare to see my web browser tabs be ever under one hundred.

I’ve had about of three months of a break since I’ve been on a full-time position and I’ve decided to give myself another chance. I’ve had a cryptocurrency-related hobbistic projects which I’ve developed under workshops offered by previous employer and been somewhat open to try myself as a junior or maybe even a mid back-end developer.

I’ve been experimenting a lot with software, a lot of way to write same things yet I didn’t knew which one could be exactly right and I’ve been for a longer while in a spiral where everything could be good (as functionality been okay) but it didn’t been right. I’ve had a strange (and obiviously annying) sense, however I could never been able to ignore it.

I’ve been invited to a multiple interviews.

I’ve never understood why I shouldn’t speak about a mistakes until I’ve realized sometimes we say about a mistake and person who have heard about mistake we’ve made wasn’t aware a mistakes been a mistake and suddently a mistake becomes a false right.

I could have choose a company which I would like to work with as suprisingly there been more than a offer up to my name which been much better situation than before. I’ve decided to proceed with one which have happened at first and be optimistic.

I’ve joined my second company as a back-end developer which been paid significiantly more than my pervious position which have offered around 6 000 - 12 000 PLN per month and we have found agreement somewhere in the middle. I’ve had a minimal clue about startup environments and thought it might be fine to sit and grind a product to greatness.

I’ve been participating a process with people who (been supposed to) had a vision of a product in order to share it from person to person with use of a diagramming, visual presentation by user interface prototype and verbalization of what business is about.

I’ve been advising to have a minimal clue about business model and always contain a publicly accessible documentation which would be shared between operations and engineering teams to ensure engineering isn’t separated from business and vice versa.

I’ve holded a belief every place will have eventually their own “common language” which would bring people closer to a meaning of word inside a company which might be other (ideally the same) meaning what thing is. I’ve always recommended semantics to be synchronized between common language and codebase, even when refactors are needed.

I’ve noticed business is easier to understand when we think about intention of a user, ex. “Create Account” might cause a “AccountCreated” and “VerificationEmailSent” events which are relatively easy to track when working with enterprise or business software.

I’ve (could) started a software architecture from simplest implementation like a client-server when exact information about internet traffic on servers were unknown or were unable to be estimated. I’ve never should kick off a software system from microservices.

I’ve (could) looked up existing systems which would be implementation of core domain problems and reverse-enginneer their software model which could be abstract enough to be tailored into a business domain and leave future space for improvements.

I’ve (could) don’t pay attention to what’s been said in a book (which I didn’t read) and what overall rules are where breaking out a rules could not have a serious consequences and would significiantly reduce effort needed to acomplish a goal and rules shouldn’t be broken when they are save you from consequences and have not reduce a effort unlless incident.

I’ve (could) avoid adhering to software architecture principles (hexagonal architecture) in a cloud-native secenario where provider’s SDK is available and it’s highly unlikely provider might’ve ever change and when it would happen rewrite would be needed anyway.

I’ve (could) avoid designing and implementing abstractions for a component which functionality could be a single function and abstract it when component will be bigger.

I’ve (could) never be afraid to write own implementation from scratch when one is reasonably simple to implement and usage of external provider could be avoided.

I’ve (could) nnever be afraid to use existing open-source software or external provider when one could cover domain requirements of a business when development of a custom component is reasonably more expensive than usage of external solution, even when singular requirements of business domain might not be exactly satisfied (rare).

I’ve always liked to doomscroll through published packages on package registry dedicated to mine programming language in order to discover lesser known patterns and algorithmic solution to problems which been already recognized and solutions been implemented.

I’ve always been looking forward into making a real-world contribution during my first week since employment with conviction there would be always person who will point you holes in your understanding of domain and existing system (or a codebase).

I’ve never really cared about workdays and hours when I’ve been there and sometimes I’ve didn’t noticed I’ve got hooked enough to spend my time off comapny to fill a blank spots which I’ve had in my knowledge (at least I’ve been convinced I have been wrong).

I’ve been somewhat proud I’ve could pull handle a 90+ hours per week just because something have catched up mine attention and I’ve really wanted to solve and deliver.

I’ve always enjoyed conversation which not been brought down into a codebase and what been writing inside a code which is changeable. I’ve always been drawn to conversation where product vision could be exchanged between gathered people. I’ve belived people responsible for product shouldn’t be flooed with technicals which are for an engineer.

I’ve been convinced what’s intuitive to me should be intutive to other. I’ve have called a variable with “Order” type an “order” rather “asfdsdfg” in order to remember less and I’ve been obsessively iritated when people didn’t respected my prefered naming conviction.

I’ve (could) be less dominant with codebase ownership which should be reasonably lesser than a amount of a code written by other memebers of a team. I’ve could experience >75% was reasonably too heavy, either way code written by other person is responsibility of everyone in the team and original maintainer is just a pereference when changes come.

I’ve never been afraid to touch and contribute in areas of software which been not specified under a title of a role to which I’ve been hired, I’ve always respected ownership of other people in areas other than mine when I’ve atempted to contribute or make changes.

I’ve (could) always share information about previous version of a system in a publicly available place as those information may happen to be useful in a least expected moment which might be time-sensetive. It never hurts down to say too much rather than too less.

I’ve never blamed people for speaking out their thoughts of a future direction and I’ve been reasonably irritated when I could not review them before action have been taken. When communication could not happen in a human sense a flow made out with PRDs and ADRs must be maintained in order to maintain minimal yet necessary rationale behind code.

I’ve could never demotivate motivated employee, they are wonderful use.

I’ve bought myself a reasonably good workstation which involved a powerful GPU which would allow me to play a little with local language models and 128GB of RAM, which been a reasonably good investment relatively to price I’ve paid versus price I’ve saw later on.

I’ve allowed myself to experiment on a comapny’s codebase and have implemented nix-based development environment when I’ve got irritated my Node.js version been wrong and codebase required usage of external command-line programs in order to run and I’ve been aware it’s how you forcefully annoy your co-workers and I couldn’t help myself.

I’ve moved out from my family’s house into a other city (had to) which been bad on my mental state and with all pressure I’ve broken myself and been supposed to leave a company initially it’s been supposed to be temporaly leave with intention to comeback.

I’ve noticed four unpaid invoices. I’ve lost an intention to comeback. I’ve never really liked when someone act like this.

I’ve been a very little mad, and when I say it - it’s a honest one.

I’ve learned whole a lot about software development when I’ve been given out a half-tied hand where I could simply create and code what been supposed to be done and I’ve could handle such process even more gracefully when I would approach it today with what I have.

I’ve felt sorry and have decided to submit resignation.

I’ve head an Sam Altman’s tweet saying “a lot of crazy stories start with too much amphetamines and end with not enough psychedelics” with which I could agree, I’ve been on ADHD medication and eventually they been helpful to “stick” to a “work”.

I’ve had a period, a period where my thoughts have been racing and I couldn’t distinguish which of them were “right” and which were “wrong” which have pushed me a little into a place which I would potentially call “insane” at least no matter if I could communicate logically and reason well I have been feeling geniely “insane” and maybe it’s other feeling.

I’ve did a stupid mistake as when I couldn’t distinguish which have been true, I’ve (almost) accepted I’ve could been “wrong” but shortly afterwards my personality, memories, feelings and judgement have disappreared therefore I am never willing to admit such.

I’ve would wanted to hear a sentence which would say it’s been simple and nobody have ever cared if you are right or wrong when you simply are - you could be just saying out stuff which you thought been okay and been saying how you do and that’s all as all.

I’ve received a lot of DMs out of nowhere which have helped keep me in one place and have asked me how’s life been after my previous role in company where I’ve worked with, however I’ve been geniely too much of a tired to involve with any discussion and if I’ve head there’s been lawsuit involved which would require me to move ass I would rather pass.

I’ve been also receiving a DMs from programmers who have been asking me for advice which programming language they should choose when they have been starting out with programming and I’ve (silly) didin’t really seen myself in a position to guide people.

I’ve needed a very long “alone time” in which I could grasp myself all once again, notice a annoyance which been walking behind me through this whole road and make myself be simply somewhat functional again.

I’ve once belived it’s been all the time problem with me and it’s enough to be said.

I’ve had a Moleskine notebook with a navy leather cover which have been gathering dust somewhere in my room and there have been a application inside which I’ve decided to implement somewhere down on GitHub. I’ve might not exactly remembered when I’ve designed such application and since it’s been already done a matter of a choosing a programming language (Rust) and implementation of idea was just a matter of time.

I’ve didn’t expected application to gain recognition and ever will be noticed even through it have been noticed by some people and I’ve appreciated all stars which have come along the way since the day repository been created and application been released.

I’ve had a little pull towards SNS as everyone who I’ve ever had chance to met been there, somewhere down this period my personality have shared and I could see a piece of myself in everyone around and I by myself with words I’ve been reading have felt like I am made by piece of other people which makes a one being. I can’t express this feeling other way.

It’s been a meaningful time to see people on which I been dependent on in some time on my life have happened to be ones which have followed me (and vice versa). I didn’t thought I had many accomplishments to be worth of it when I (unnecessarily) compared myself to other people’s names - there were people who sanded behind companies, scientific contributions, entertainment, writing, memes or side-projects which I endorsed.

I’ve come without a filter and never been afraid toi say about problem which I might’ve had (and I’ve used my own username rather than real name) which gave me a sense of a comfort and security. I never really liked when someone would take it from me, and I’ve been fine with it as long as it didn’t imposed lifelong consequences. I don’t care now.

I’ve got a more than one interview from Twitter which have almost always been associated with technologies I’ve been around (I do understand it’s easier on SNS). When I’ve come to interview I’ve been asked to say about myself (and it was a period when my personality been somewhat dissolved - therefore I couldn’t say much) - I’ve said nothing, I’ve said I’ve made a application which source code is avilable if you’re internested and I will not be coding on a live interview because it’s not people’s business how code is written, it’s their business what code comes into a respository and what persists. I’ve been described as a “person who say things smart person would say” and I’ve could describe him as “you are a person who says things clown would say” and we could end a conversation. I’ve been asked “What was the hardest technical problem you have solved?” and I’ve replied “What is technical problem?” and he seemed to get irritated for some reason (so was I).

I’ve had a conversation with a person associated with CNCF (which I’ve followed and have seen as a reasonable institution) which have gave me a few hours of own time in order to have conversation with me and soothed me by showing me situation where one to might have been saying out “silly and funny” things over the internet and I’ll get through it.

I’ve read a word which touched something in my soul which showed me memories which I’ve like didn’t noticed before and they were flowing around my head and there have been lyrics from songs I’ve once heard about this particular feeling and it’s been dream-like.

I’ve understood there’s might be need for a helpful hand in order to stand up and conciousness isn’t as individual as one might’ve thought one would be, as since I’ve could recall a creation of a artist on a particular feeling then he been theoretically in mine conciousness or a mine identity or a self I didn’t come yet to terms how to call it.

I’ve been looking up along a large amount of people on SNS and I’ve noticed there’s been some people which have been “feeling” “highlighted” among the other accounts and they words have been feeling somewhat “right” (and by time I’ve noticed words can be felt).

I’ve didn’t understood why this wasn’t obivious to me that my “For You” page is an essentially me as it contained a people with who could express me the most, people who’s opinion is similar to mine and overall it’s mostly like you do you and you be you. I didn’t knew if that’s some sacred knowledge or something shouldn’t be said or smth. Idk.

I’ve decided to message person who have been saying out a stuff which been somewhere above my head or been strangely close to what I’ve thought or even how I’ve been acting and other stuff - which again brought me into conviction concioussness is definitely collective and it’s rather a meta-physical phenonona rather than something embodied.

When I’ve been saying about concioussness I’ve also minded a “mind” which is also a strange concept as it’s also a collective and I remember when I’ve been an individualistic mind which come out into collective (as to regain common grounding) and then eventually freed myself with any common grounding althrough questionable.

I’ve always had feelings and I know you do too <3.

There’s been a time where I’ve controlled my feelings more than they controlled me and there’s been time where I’ve been controlled by my feelings more than I controlled them.

What I’ve not been aware of was how “sensetive” I’ve ever could be to whatever external forces are called - there’s been a other possibility I could not been sensetive.

What I’ve not been aware of or rather been realtively ignorant towards is that I’ve noticed I might’ve been “sensetive” to whatever external forces are called and myself, I’ve never could thought that a thought (yes a thought) could put your state of mind into euphoric, ecstatic and sometimes be even phyiscally painful. I’ve noticed thoughts could be felt as a tactle sensation and it’s equally probable or comparable to living with a ghost on you (the last one might be more or less sci-fi and is just a wild guess but yeah, sex is great).

I’ve been sitting down at a desk with hands on my keyboard and mouse when I’ve suddenly opened notepad and writen piece of text which I’ve shouldn’t share and those unconcious ticks and reactions have a play pretty often, they happen in computer games, programming and everyday life which corrdinates our body reaction before event could ever happen.

I’ve noticed I’ve a lot of femmine behavior when I spend time with myself (especialy in bed), and therefore I will not put any doubts it’s might be a love bond with someone which could find their own way up to me in this world. It’s just a wild guess, but as far as insaity goes - it’s literally getting more and more fun and exciting with each other day.

Moon Prism Power, Make-Up!

I’ve skipped a page where I’ve had strong urge to accept myself by talking “me” out.

I’ve had memories and flashes from a life beyond what I’ve experienced physically. I’ve would never say reality have ever ended on what’s physical. It’s impossible.

I’ve been aware my name been said across different rooms and this will be noticed.

I’ve had a dream of living inside a house between nowhere surrounded by landspace of a nature where I’ve could find everything in order to make out my dream life in which I’ve could spend moments being in touch of my wife and I have had all I’ve needed.

I’ve decided to write down a little bit of me with hope this will be enough be persistent.

My life become undeniably easier when I’ve accepted way I am.

I’ve learned and never been afraid to keep my eyes widely closed and appreciated everything which have been given to me without questioning what been given to me.

I’ve always belived life could have a unexpected turn in a positive direction even when everything could be saying otherwise and maybe way I am is enough to have some.

I’ve had leaved a lot of unsaid and there’s a lot to write if I would ever wanted.

Sweet dreams…

Happy End.

What have you done…