Environment can ruin you

All it takes to burnout is one year of imaginary problems of pigeon architect who will eventually over-complicate system ten times of original size, will cite every anti-pattern just to jump into another five by avoidance of one.

Then you surround yourself with people that will eventually lie straight to your face or will stay silent when you make mistake, as it’s your mistake at the end. And every statement you will eventually say will be ignored or dismissed behind your back.

You get yourself gaslight with virtually anything, everything is well-known only you are retard who doesn’t know, mix this up with low self-esteem and self-doubt and you get yourself year of cognitive monitoring deficit.

It’s almost impossible to get yourself answer from people whose we’re supposed to set direction, they all say things but things they say doesn’t have meaning or doesn’t point to anything specific - it’s just worthless bullshit.

Paint to that fact, whole life you been told that you are the problem who cannot communicate with others, while I find myself understanding what other have to say (I might not take action upon ones word but can definitely understand, and if I do not - I put additional effort by googling and trying to understand to avoid arguing topic where I am clueless, it’s lose-lose).

I seriously don’t know, either I use alien language - and those who might know me - may know that I try avoiding jargon where it’s possible unless we’re conversation is technical and point of technical discussion is clear or people would rather not listen and judge you for wrong communication style.

And this could be right, but then I have no clue by which force of the nature I am communicative with some people and with others don’t - speaking with same language, using same most common word that I have to express what I mean.

You eventually take action to research things down to the core, as you had pointed something is fucked up but never shown point of difference. Epistemic vigilance fucks you hard, just to reward you with either further distrust to your reasoning or reasoning of others - is this problem with openess?

Sometimes I actually wonder for the fuck I come to life like this, most of full-time revenue over past let’s say 3 years in software-related jobs was paid significantly less than McDonals’s cashier - and by small period of time at most 2x more which lasted for no more than half year - I can sum this up to single statement, it was fun until full-time entered chat and after production access happened, it doubled down.

Today, I know there’s no space for me after all so I think chease of anything remotely related to software isn’t a plan for future of any case.

Don’t lose trust to self (never) and keep care - don’t mix passion with cash, you will eventually end up with nothing after all. ~ J.